I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
A leaf blower, but for people.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
crochet youtube is brutal
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*