[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
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One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both