5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
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Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
sleeping beauty
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.