*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.