Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
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I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?