I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
You Might Also Like
this is the best day of my life
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch