Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
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love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.