I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.