wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
technically true but not a great slogan
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
a public service announcement
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!