People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My work here is don’t.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.