There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
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For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
john wicks are toilet candles
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah