My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
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Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.