Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
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It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away