Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
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*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Denise please return my vape pen
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Accurate
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.