My relationship with tea has always been strained.
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Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk