Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
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White parent Vs Arab parents
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.