Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
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Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night