In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
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Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
The funk soul brother