PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
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“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Spa day..😅