At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
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Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Breaking news:
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?