Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
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Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno