10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
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yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My Plans 2020
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I remember when things only cost an arm.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.