Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
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What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes