My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.