Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
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My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I really had high hopes for this year though
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I just ran a .003048K