I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
You Might Also Like
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.