My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
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*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Discuss
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??