I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
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[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.