I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
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[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
How about daylight saves us for once
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.