My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
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my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
this is funnier than any friends episode
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.