[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
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I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest