*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
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When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok