‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
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how do lawyers not cry when arguing
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.