The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
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You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)