Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
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Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.