Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
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When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
How actors in movies eat their food
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Poetry is my passion
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.