me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
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HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room