Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
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Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
c’mon!
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away