Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
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“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….