God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
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Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”