She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
You Might Also Like
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
emergency phone
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
scared to check what name she chose
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911