This is my bus stop.
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Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
me and who
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
This will teach them to underestimate me
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”