So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
You Might Also Like
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I think this cat is broken
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
bugs when you lift up a rock
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.