Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
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*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.