Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
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My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone