Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
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My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away