When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
You Might Also Like
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?