I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
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The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
me and who
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.