Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
You Might Also Like
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button