I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
You Might Also Like
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Don鈥檛 ever forget where you came from. That鈥檚 most likely where you left your car.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I love my in laws but sometimes it鈥檚 hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 馃槙
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It鈥檚 been 24 years. I think they can鈥檛 find me.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Gmail told me my password wasn鈥檛 secure enough but I couldn鈥檛 remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can鈥檛 crack it??
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!